I did Not Think I Would

The tears surprised me. 

Lord?

I am not lost.  The phrase ran back and forth in my mind.  God is not lost.  Therefore, I am not lost.  It is absolute truth.   I believe it with all my heart.

I drove away from Adin with a sloppy face.  The tears pooled in my eyes, spilled over and cut rivers through my makeup.  If I had tried to stop them, the road would have been dangerously blurry.   

Lord?

I did not think I would cry.  I had processed the disappointment and the loss.  I had walked through the wondering why; and I had given up the wishing things were not as they were.  I had accepted that God is moving us, not leaving us and that we are going to be in a much better place after all the transition has run its course.

Still, those tears fell.  Hot and full of all that I thought was neatly managed, boxed up and put away, they insisted that I feel again.

Emotions are like that.  They tend to grab us and give us a merciless shake at the most inopportune moments. I was driving away from the dream I believed had come true, into an unknown space.  I had a general idea that the new house would indeed be better and more effective. But—I have no guarantees.  Still, I had accepted the unknown and bravely packed my belongings and loaded them up.

Lord?

I checked my speed and then shot a glance at my dogs.  I was 30 minutes behind the truck and trailer that moved on ahead with the few things I still own.  It was pouring rain outside, magnifying my tears as I drove away.  Or, maybe  I was driving toward.  I felt caught in the middle. 

I loved where I was leaving.  I was excited about the possibilities of where we are going.  My heart mercilessly pulled me in both directions until it tore.

Lord?

I wiped my cheeks and patted Perry, the mini poodle, on his head.  Then I pursed my lips and blew all the pain in my chest slowly outward.  I had no choice but to go.  Circumstances set our course.  I had chosen to believe we are not lost.  We are traveling an unexpected road mapped out by God.

But those tears.

Lord? 

My one word prayers held more in them then many of my long winded beseeching monologues.  Unmet need.  Overwhelming fear.  Gut tightening worry.  Insecurity, doubt, wonder, amazement, excitement, unknown answers and all kinds of other things came out in only one word. God gets it.  He interprets our words by the condition of our hearts.  Mine was in a conundrum. Talking seemed impossible.  I would have to let him sort it all out of those things behind one four letter prayer. 

I arrived at my new roommate’s house under slightly less rainy skies.  Hoping none of my things were ruined, I jumped out of my car and quickly got to helping carry soggy boxes into the garage.  We managed, without destroying anything, to get the boxes under cover and my bed inside.  The rain had no mercy, but the whole process only took about an hour.  My helpers drove off with tightly closed windows, a wave and a lip-read I love you. 

I stood there in the rain for a while, letting it wash the emotions (and what was left of my makeup) from my face.  Pressing my lips together, I set a determined jaw.  I may not be able to control what feelings accost me, but I repeat--I am not lost. 

 I cannot see clearly how all this is going to work out.  But next weekend we have been invited to consider the property that is much larger, more beautiful, and better suited to our ministry than the one in Adin.  That we are in this place is challenging. It is also how God works. The pain of loss is real.  However, the joy in the new will be just as real.  God ordains that we feel both.

I went inside to figure out how to arrange my new bedroom and settle in the dogs.  I will stay here and continue developing and holding our classes, personal coaching, spiritual healing, renewal, and pastoral care until we are moved into the new property where people can, once again, come stay with us while they find peace and serenity in their healing and learning process.

I went to bed that night with a dry face and a weary heart.  Change is hard.  Always.  Even good change.  Change that leads unto the unknown is especially difficult.

But one thing I know for sure.  Tears or no tears.

God is not lost.  Therefore, I am not lost